Trying to create a life where betrayal can never occur can cause us to withdraw, be too wary of taking risks, and insulate us from being truly alive. Betrayal can happen. Sometimes it is as simple as one person agreeing to be a certain kind of partner and later learning that they have needs and desires that they can no longer suppress or accommodate. For example, if you agree to financially support your family but later learn that pursuing your artistic life is more important than you knew, then you might not be able to sustain the level of financial support you had agreed to. Or, if you agreed to always listen to your partner, you may find that you have suppressed the need to voice your own opinions, needs, or feelings for too long and can no longer listen in the same way. Or, if you agreed to “always be there” for someone and then find that you have a deeper need for friendships than you had realized, then you might spend more time with friends then you initially agreed to.

How Can Your Relationship Thrive Given Betrayal Happens?

Get to know yourself and your partner, especially those things you may not like.  It is important to make a conscious effort to explore, discuss, and be open to learning about  ourselves and others.  Trust, is not built on the hope or promise of not being hurt, but built on a kind of deep honesty of who you and the other person really are. Over time, you can respond and take another step in relationship even after hurts and betrayals have occurred. This takes a new kind of trust—the trust in ourselves to be aware of our hurts, express our hurts, and address the injury and breach with our partner. Essentially, you are saying, “I trust that there are times you will hurt me and I will hurt you. I even trust that sometimes this hurt will be a breach of an agreement we have. However, I also trust that we can take steps to address these hurts and breaches and even turn the process, over time, into a strengthening of our relationship.”

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Being able to deal with problems and move on is an important skill when it comes to maintaining a resilient partnership. If you need help working through disagreements or difficulties you may find the following tips useful:

Stop – and analyze how you’re feeling. Think about how you’re feeling in relation to what’s happened and why. Think about how these feelings may be influencing your behaviour. Being able to resolve or find peace with difficult emotions like anger or disappointment can be an important part of moving forward from conflict.

Think about your own part in what went wrong. While it can be tempting to blame our partners when there’s a disagreement or fight, we’ll usually be able to see there are things we could have done better too if we’re honest with ourselves. It’s not always easy, but try to recognize that every argument has two sides.

Talk about what happened. Take turns to communicate how you’re feeling about the issue and listen to what your partner has to say. It can be helpful to use ‘I’ phrases: ‘I feel…’, ‘I think…’, rather than ‘you’ phrases: ‘you always…’, ‘you seem to think…’. This way, you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings and your partner won’t feel like they’re being attacked.

Even the strongest relationships get off track sometimes, because of the stresses of living, mismatch of expectations, or what author Dr. Sue Johnson calls “attachment injuries” – ways in which we fail to hold & comfort each other during key moments of need. The H-E-A-L (Hear – Empathize – Act – Love) technique was developed to repair damaged relationships by replacing defensive self-protection with compassionate presence and loving connection.

HEAR – To Hear Your Partner, Stay Present & Listen

When your partner speaks, make an effort to stay mentally present & listen. Open your heart and take down your defenses. It’s not about defending yourself, but about trying to understand your partner & learning to fulfill each other’s needs. Listen beyond their words for nonverbal signs of emotion. Do they have an angry expression on their face or sadness in their eyes? Is their body language open and reaching towards you or closed off and guarded?  What do you think your partner is feeling? What are the needs that are not being met (such as for love, companionship, understanding, control, or respect)? The best way to soothe an angry spouse is to let them know that you hear and accept their unmet needs and are willing to make changes to help meet them.

EMPATHIZE – Allow Your Partner’s Experience to Deeply Affect you

Once you think you understand what your partner feels and have checked it out with them, pay attention to what feelings YOU have when you observe them feeling this way. It is especially important to search beneath the surface for the softer, tender feelings.  Can you stay present with your partner, and connect with her deeper experience, perhaps feeling pain because they are in pain?  Can you feel compassion, and let them know that their expression of pain or anger affects you deeply? Your first instinct in hearing your partner’s distress may be to try to solve the problem or give advice. Often this advice comes across as critical or judgmental, which makes things worse.  On the other hand, staying emotionally engaged and expressing compassion can provide healing comfort and connection. Many times, that is all they needs.

ACT – Take Action to Address Concerns & Show Willingness to Change

The next step is to commit to intentional action to address your partner’s needs and concerns. These actions can range from helping more with the dishes to calling your partner during the day to let them know you are thinking of them, to spending less money because it makes them anxious. When your partner sees that you take their concerns seriously, they will be more likely to feel valued and respected. This can create a positive cycle in which they appreciate you and feel more loving towards you.  You don’t have to be perfect at it – just the fact that you care and are trying to change is enough to help most people feel validated.

LOVE – Feel and Express Unconditional Love

Make space in your life to deliberately reconnect with the loving feelings you have for your partner, even if recent interactions have made you feel distant or angry. Think about the good qualities they have that originally attracted you to them.  Perhaps look at old photos or visualize special times in your relationship and the hopes and dreams you had together. Can you find a way to forgive yourself and your partner for the mistakes you have both made that got you off track? What do these feelings of love motivate you to do? Might you want to reach out to them and express your love and affection physically or with action, such as cooking a meal or writing a note? Love is defined as a concern for another’s wellbeing and a warm feeling you have towards another. Do not make your expressions of love contingent on what your partner does, but rather reach out and express unconditional caring, support, understanding and forgiveness. If there are unresolved trust issues that hamper your ability to love your partner freely, think about the next steps you could take to air these issues and what it would take to rebuild trust.

It is important to become fully aware of the nature and extent of the hurt you feel. If your hurt is dismissed, minimized, or denied, by yourself or others, then the wound is likely to fester and it is unlikely trust will be repaired. To ensure this does not happen, ask yourself the following questions: How deep is the hurt/pain you suffer? Does the betrayal trigger earlier hurts exacerbating the pain and suffering? Does the hurt linger for days, months, or even years?

In addition, the person or group that betrayed you must really see and acknowledge the hurt. Apologies like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I didn’t mean or intend to hurt you,” are rarely sufficient and often stop the healing process before the hurt is really looked at and properly acknowledged. To ensure this happens, the one who betrayed you must not only take some responsibility for the hurt but also acknowledge the injury and show a feeling reaction commensurate with the hurt (remorse, compassion, upset, etc.). When there is no real acknowledgment and feeling response, you may rightly feel that the person “doesn’t get it,” and the trust will not be repaired.

Does repairing trust require a promise to not hurt you again? While sometimes this is necessary, if this promise is not accompanied by a real acknowledgment and proper response, the promise will carry little weight and, in all likelihood, not be kept. These “insufficient promises” are almost always built on the hope that the one who betrayed you can control themselves, or that you can somehow control them, as opposed to a deeper sense of love and compassion.             

Contrary to the way relationships are portrayed in the movies and books, they are not all sunsets and roses. A better analogy is that of an ever-changing, complicated dance. When two people come together with different life histories, sensitivities, and current stresses, you are bound to bump up against each other or get blown off track over the course of a many-year relationship.

In conclusion, trust matters a great deal; it helps preserve the love, affection, and tenderness that partners feel toward each other during the beginning phases of their relationship. These feelings of mutual trust continue to sustain them through the inevitable vicissitudes – the ups and downs in every relationship – that they will encounter in the years that follow.

 

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201304/four-steps-relationship-repair-the-h-e-l-technique

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-bloom-lcsw-and-charlie-bloom-msw/relationships-trust_b_3569631.html

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/trust/our-top-tips-building-trust-your-relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201310/building-repairing-trust-keys-sustainable-relationship

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/getting-over-relationship_b_8197988.html